The D****** Tragedy (Part 5 of 5)

Part 5 of 5

Vapid Hourly

The Great D****** Refund

New legislation passed this morning outlaws using the word “D******” in an effort to prevent the D****** brand and products from taking on a cultural identity that could potentially destabilize Consensus & Conventions. A horrifying backlash to these reasonable measures by more extreme D****** enthusiasts is taking root. They’ve stooped to trying to refund their D****** merchandise. Unfortunately for these “people,” D****** merchandise cannot be refunded due to the fact that engaging in any form of commerce with unlicensed D****** products is unlawful.

The license for all D****** products sold before today is now expired. The military is mobilizing to oversee stations set up all over the Nation where for a small tax, people can turn in their expired D****** products without penalty.

A Threat to Moderation

Transcript from Prime Minister Godfrey’s Speech

The monsters launched their attack at a late hour, when the true and obedient multitude was either at home or engaged in settled activity. Under cover of wretched darkness, this pack of misfits descended upon our greatest of national parks. A park which we can no longer say by name because of the heinous bent of these eccentrics.

The beasts, hundreds of thugs in duck ensemble, entered the park, overwhelmed our brave security forces, and began their mad bacchanal. Those fools, those Pluckers, raided our gift shops, drank alcohol, played loud unsanitary music, and smoked whatever they could light.

As if this festering wound didn’t have enough animals picking and tearing at it, a horde of mostly able-bodied women also costumed as ducks rolled themselves into the park in wheelchairs. This buffoonery is beneath my understanding and beneath the understanding of all Consensus loving people, so at first I thought perhaps they were there to talk some sense into the other group of bird brains. But I was wrong. They joined in the feasting on our unified, edifying, and codified morality as if it were torn bread.

The only thing more disgusting than the sights and sounds of this horrid display was the joy with which its participants flouted any respect whatsoever for Consensus & Conventions.

For the good of our nation, the good of our children, and the good of the faith on which we’ve founded our convictions, our brave soldiers went in to put a stop to this most sinister and ridiculous of orgies. Our soldiers made us proud. I led them straight through the gates and we took no guff from these self-proclaimed animals. Absolutely. No. Guff!

[The crowd erupts into applause.]

We marched in with our mighty weapons drawn! We made each and every last one of those weirdo mallards suffer!

[Cheers and applause.]

For the greater good we made them suffer!

[Cheers and applause.]

For their own good we made them suffer.

[The crowd stands, claps, and whistles for several minutes.]

Let that be a lesson to any who would disturb our grand unanimity. This entire experiment with tolerating and even celebrating the unorthodox, the irregular, and the dingbat was a tragedy that must never be repeated. This day let us rededicate our communities, homes, and souls to observing and extolling the benefits of Consensus & Conventions!

[Cheers and applause.]

Revisiting The Ducklie Tragedy

Excerpt From Chapter 11, Page 305

January 11th, 2037

Prime Minister Godfrey had just ended a phone conference with Col. Bailey, the man actually in command during the massacre, Lord Roth, head of the Central Media Conglomerate, and Milda Presley of the Committee for the Expansion and Codification of Moral Authority. She’d just appointed them to head the newly formed Wing of Aberrant Ideas and Lifestyles (WAIL). Their initial priority would be to blame “some idiot” for the massacre and create a propaganda campaign to restore Consensus & Conventions.

Within the hour, the prestigious United Globe News Service would announce to the world that OG$kabz intentionally and methodically engineered the invasion and occupation of Ducklie Life Theme Park.

$kabz would never stand trial as he (allegedly) died in a firefight with WAIL agents.

In his silence, OG$kabz would become the voice of his generation.

This entire story is a work of fiction. None of the characters, events, and organizations are real, nor do they intentionally refer to real people, events, or organizations with the possible exception of parody. This work is for entertainment purposes only.

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