The D****** Tragedy (Part 1 of 5)

Part 1 of 5

United Globe

How We Underestimated Ducklie Life Theme Park

Ducklie Life Theme Park, based on Roseanne Hawthorne’s popular cartoon duck meme, made a profane $400 million dollars its opening week. “The park is so good!” said a source considered to be a park attendee.

The Central Media Conglomerate (CMC) had a completely different concept in mind before it acquired the Ducklie IP a month ago. The park’s successful first week, sent CMC stock soaring to an unheard of $935 a share. Hawhtorne’s small ownership stake now puts her on track to become a billionaire. She plans to dedicate her efforts and new wealth to philanthropy. Obv.

UG: What inspired you to create Ducklie?

Hawthorne: I wanted to create something anyone could look at and feel like it was made just for them. Ducklie came out of that mindset. I could make a Ducklie cartoon about any topic and all kinds of people would relate to it in their own way. Ducklie means so many things to so many people, but doesn’t belong to any one group, cause, or idea. It sounds silly, because it’s just a cartoon duck, but Ducklie helps people connect with themselves and with one another.

UG: Do you feel like you sold out to Central Media Conglomerate? Like you’ve betrayed yourself, your fans, or even Ducklie?

Hawthorne: No, I don’t think so. The whole point was to share. This way I get to share with a lot more people. The CMC was pretty gracious with how they structured the deal. So, I’m not only wealthy beyond what I could’ve ever imagined, but I also have an advisory role in launching new Ducklie products, stories, and characters. This is a pretty big win for everyone.

UG: What did I win?

Hawthorne: [Smiles politely.]

UG: But, seriously. How exactly are you sharing all of this wealth?

Hawthorne: [Sits up and smiles brightly.] I’m really excited about my Golden Cities Initiative. The basic focus is on building organic social and economic infrastructure in third world countries. It centers around liberal arts clubs where we read and discuss classic literature, hacklabs where we make cool things with emerging technologies, and micro-loans where we connect entrepreneurs in the community with financiers, legal counsel, and the top minds in business. I’m really excited to make new friends and see lives change for the better.

UG: You lost me at literature.

Gibberish Magazine

It’s a Man’s World: What the Pluck?

After a raucous first week, marketing researchers discovered 75% of park visitors are lone adult men. They also account for 90% of gift shop sales. While no one knows what to make of this, a growing number of investors are bullish on Central Media Conglomerate’s stock soaring another 200%. More baffling than the aggressive male fandom of Ducklie is that these men are buying out any retailer carrying the Ducklie stuffed animal purse. No, they aren’t gifts. They are using them. Aggressively.

As of this writing 6 men in different incidents across the country have been arrested for charges such as assault, disorderly conduct, and unlawful use of a firearm in avoidable incidents that started with arguments about their Ducklie purses. In one incident a man pepper-sprayed a teenage boy. Later, the man released a dance video where he alleges the boy harassed him for wearing his purse on the wrong shoulder, which in the male-centric Plucker subculture is a huge no-no. This video is widely considered the genesis of the viral term, “Plucker.”

Police are searching for a woman who threw chicken feathers in a Plucker’s face before snatching his Ducklie purse. Are these just strange one-time occurrences or credible threats to our esteemed Consensus & Conventions?

This entire story is a work of fiction. None of the characters, events, and organizations are real, nor do they intentionally refer to real people, events, or organizations with the possible exception of parody. This work is for entertainment purposes only.

© Insolent Cool Inc. 2021 All Rights Reserved.

Continue to Part 2